The first sign

I don't have any other place to talk about it. I used to like keeping tabs on people, before I discovered the world that I belong to.

You could say going after your dream is blind fury, because it's meant to be a backslash to all the things in your growing up that really hurt you: things like "I can control you", "I can stop you from hurting me",  "I can make you cry".

Such is the power of growing up to being yourself. You disdain humanity for not giving you the truth.

I've lost before, but I've never lsot my personal history in such a way. Last week, I lost my emails going back 8 years; I lost the sense of home that pervades a happy and functioning working environment; first Tatiana, then Iris and Jorge. Itzjac at least gave me the heads up and Carmen's situation is temporary (though scary). Something in me tells me it's just the tip of the iceberg and it might not necessarily mean my life...could be everyone's.

Today I remembered another loss, that drove me to hide from the reality of my family. In finding my calling, I felt so full of confidence in myself, but also I found my family to be the antithesis of my resolution. Their lack of confidence in me drives me over the cliff. They remind that I am truly alone in this path...and that nothing, side from giving up, can ever change that. My happiness resides entirely on me looking only for what I want, not for second best. As long as I can remember, I've always wanted that star. I wanted to touch beauty and eternity, wrapped up in a bundle of joy - I didn't mind if no one could understand or could keep up.

It's not so lonely...you can see the light from others that were also after their stars. In knowing other people were dreamers and that they could touch the sky, I felt invincible. I felt completely innocent in my pursuit. Centuries of artists and great thinkers had, before me, battled this same pain and won...they achieved the grace of God whether they believed in him or not.

People believe in me or else I wouldn't have been given this second chance.

That maybe they might care for me in some way seems so improbable that I often discard their willingness to help. I have blindly accepted my loneliness in this battle. I don't think I can change without losing my edge...I need to feel in control. I can't let life become a maelstrom and take me into the deep void.