Heroes

In my time I have come across many great people. Great legends, great teachers and great heroes. Including my parents. Today I woke up remembering an old game from my past, Space Quest IV. It was mismashed with another game, Metroid. Why I dreamt about them might have something to do with my attempt to play Grim Fandango (still runs on Windows XP) and my Mac (there's a part in SQ4 in which you have use a sorta Macintosh interface).

But more importantly, each one reminds me of my parents. I remembered the cologne my father used to wear when he wore suits (when he did, he used his first laptops, both monochrome and VGA). I sneaked off with his laptop to play most of my Sierra games, but always the scent of his cologne was in his briefcase. Metroid was one of the many games my mother bought for me when we first got the Nintendo. I didn't know Samus was a woman at the time (and when I did, she wasn't blond). Anyway, the idea that Samus would be a maternal figure seemed fitting.

Of the heroes I've come across lately, there is Javier Otaegui. Much water under the bridge, but little of it is my fault. He is a big part of videogame history in Latin America, being the first one to publish a game for a console (Mazes of Fate for Gameboy Advanced). We've mutually lost a great deal in 2011. (proportionally I mean...he almost lost two studios)

I still remember him as a spiritual leader in my path, wherever I may end up.

Then there is Charly (mispelled on purpose). I learned a great many things about programming from him, but more importantly, he helped me. I was jealous of his prowess for a while, but now I know that our time together was a great big kick in the arse to get my act together. I am still afraid of the future...but I think we all are. I bid him the greatest of fortune in ol' Caledonia.

There is another...a heroine. For the most part she is spiritually my mother figure and the living quintessence of Samus Aran (though maybe too short for the part XD ). I love her more than she could ever know and it is my hope that I should never lose her. She pushes me to the brink, she makes me laugh and she cares about me.

Other people I know are less frequently my heroes. Some because they are already immortalized (rest their souls) and others because they are growing alongside me. But I owe them all my gratitude.

Love

Mein Mütter Mexiko

El cielo te cubre con sueños flotantes, sueños que alguna vez te bendijeron con el milagro de la vida. En tus montañas mantuviste el cielo cerca. Dificiles de escalar serán, tus montañas, pero no imposibles. Difíciles de tocar esos sueños, sutiles en su tacto, pero no intocables.

De lo que resta de sueños en la tierra, formaste tus lagos. Tus lagos los mantuviste cerca de mi, para probar lo dulce de esos sueños, no solamente para saciar mi sed.

Mein Mütter Mexiko. Tengo que convertirme en sol…en aguila…en serpiente…

Nunca me diste a entender que podia ser menos que el todo. A Kukulcan, a Huitzilopochtli y al Guerrero Aguila, les diste a escoger. Pero soy mexicano, victima de la realidad. En mi recae ser Dios, tanto el amor como el odio, tanto el dolor como la consolación. La fuente de los sueños.

Dare lo que puedo a mis hermanos. Compartiré mis sueños con ellos hasta donde tu me permites. Pero no esperes milagros - para mi no existen.

Mein Vater U.S.A.

For all your kindness of late…you left me. Forever distanced from the heavens were I once looked upon and embraced a never ending future.

Nevermore.

Never will you accept me among your children, for I am bastard. Bastard of two worlds. Never meant for your kind ways from dawn to dusk.

You speak of regret and redemption.

You ask for forgiveness.

WAKARIMASEN!!!

Mein Vater U.S.A.

What good is a bastard to you? What good is any bastard to you?

All your other children...

All American. All knowing. All young…and pardonable.

Some less than deserving of your forgiveness.

And you ask this of me?

You ask me to forgive? I was shunned from heaven. I fell from your grace. I had to find myself...the real heaven...by myself.

Self doubt, utilitarianism and Manifest Destiny where the only gifts you gave me - they accursed my soul.

If ever I should come back...then Babylon's tower should fall.

Home is where is the heart is.

I look at my thumbs. Two next each other, different...I've never noticed this but then I guess it's normal being we're not symmetrical. So even our own bodies are two halves of different beings.

I'm having moe flashes of happy places. Places I've never been to, or that I can barely remember.

I guess Germany calls, but England calls first.

Yet...

A part of me wants Japan.

And a bigger part of me wants home.

Many girls were in my life this weekend. They all brought me a token of a happier time in my life.

Maybe happiness is a woman after all.

First Sara...whose pain she has finally shared with me and I have promised to seal it in my heart for her sake.
Linda...her fingers...in my hand they dance. Our souls are so close and yet uncompromising.
Vero...who I feel like I could give up everything for...so distant and so close. I often want to imagine she's right next to me. If she could only be mine...
Ade...more like a mother or sister than anything else. She brings out the best in me and expects the best in me. Of all my lady friends, I would never want to lose her, even if it's just a lifelong friendship. She has what I want...but I can't fathom being there forever with her...I would hurt her - we both want immortality.

Because of them I never want to leave...but I also want to run away...

I want to see the world but I want to know that I have one of them, at least, to come home to.

Knackered mind

Last few months have been nothing if not an emotional torrent, balancing between a torn open heart and a need to go on. My emotions have gotten the better of me, slowing down my performance and, in some cases, completely halting me.

These things, which everyone else on the planet has mastered, are amongst my greatest of fears. I cannot control my life and I can't lead others right.

Concerning Sabarasa, I feel I might be closer to the end than I had surmised...I am slowly becoming unnecessary quite rapidly. I don't know if a work place is purely an idiosyncrasy of an engine or something else akin to a much more familiar social unit...like a family.

My window in Berlin Revisited

It's now my window over Santa Fe.

Getting the apartment was easy, now keeping it is seemingly hard.

More because I am going up and down the emotional ladder much more frequently. I've always hated my feelings but now I know why...I've been trying to avoid this feeling of loneliness and abandonment all my life.

Despite my will to survive, I can't help but feel like I'm about to collapse in tears sometimes. I do cry, by myself, hidden from everyone else, but I cry.

Nonetheless I know why I did this, I know why I came here...my only comfort being that I came here to learn, to grow up...and finally be human...

I have been hiding in my own shadow for so long that I've completely forgot how to love. I want to love...I want a family...I don't want to die alone.

Is this the legacy of my forefathers...being alone no matter what?

I am seeing things through different eyes. It is difficult to open my heart...when all I want is to stop it from bleeding.

Do not pass go...do not colect 200

There isn't much else to write of. I have gone over my life again by speaking to myself about what's changed the last 3 months. Safe to say I do not want to recap 16 or 28 years of my life. I also do not want to recap the last 5 months prior to my employment or graduation...there is nothing to learn for me.

All my knowledge, from engineering to social skills have been variously applied to my time at Sabarasa Inc. in developing videogames. 3 Months that feel like an entire year, but that's good, I grow faster.

Yesterday I tried to reconnect somehow to hi5 and Final Fantasy Online, but there were too many painful memories associated and most were unproductive in my path towards the present. I lost a friend and I lost my temper (and my pride) in both those places. Losing people and yourself is far more transcendental then losing physical objects. But I guess somethings gotta give.

I've learned about developing for the Nintendo DS and I've learned a hell of a lot more about the industry then if I had done it alone. I've learned about others and I've learned about working. I've also learned about new losses and new dangers. I've met extraordinary and talented people. I've opened a multitude of new options in my life.

I wouldn't trade any of the experiences of the last 3 months for anything, especially since it's given me a new purpose...I seldom contemplated suicide now. I will continue to write my ideas on scrap note or whatever. I will continue fighting for my vision of Mexico, even if I have hell to fight. Nothing is more important than making my dreams come true and I have certainly thrown the title on finding that special someone...there is no time. I neither have the energy or the interest to seek out a special someone in these times. God help me, truly.

No regrets, no return. There is nothing I can do to revert or change. The path is set. I have chosen the road to my own death and I have chosen very well. I must continue until I've satisfied the minimum requirements to payback my life...I must complete my chosen dream, my personal destiny.

When it's time for goodbye. Time to let go. Time to get on

The passing of Michael Jackson and David Carridine, the moving of my family to a new home, my professional exam and my new job...these are certainly straightforward signs that 2009 is...was...the last few months of my youth.

I am aware that the coming times are going to be even harder, the bar even higher...but the glory ever greater.

I said my goodbye's today to my apartment 301-A, my home the last nine years.

I saw the wake for Michael Jackson on TV.

Ihad a good calm day today at work.

I am ready to say goodbye to the last 16 years...no, the last 28 years of my life.

Some things were gone too soon. Others...it was about time I guess.

It's been fun...now it's time for a different sort of fun. It's time to grow up and shine a light.